What Are You Waiting to Feel Before You Act?

Why hesitation at work isn’t always a confidence problem

There’s usually a moment before a difficult conversation where you know you need to say something.

You’ve noticed the behaviour. You’ve replayed what happened. You might even have rehearsed the conversation in your head a few times.

But you haven’t actually had it.

Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe they’ll sort it out themselves, or perhaps  you need to think about it a little longer.

Often we’re telling ourselves:

“I just need to feel a bit more confident first.”

That sounds reasonable. But what if confidence isn’t actually what’s missing?

What’s underneath the hesitation?

One of the questions I often ask when someone tells me they’re avoiding a difficult conversation is:

“What is making the conversation difficult?”

It sounds almost too obvious, but it changes the conversation.

Because “I don’t feel confident” is often only the first answer.

Go another layer down and you might find something quite different.

• “I don’t want them to take it personally.”
• “I’m not sure I’ve been clear enough about what I expected.”
• “I don’t know how they’ll react.”
• “I don’t want to damage the relationship.”

Now we have something we can work with. The problem may not be a lack of confidence at all.

It might be a lack of clarity.

A conversation from the coaching room

I see this regularly with good managers.

They care about their people, they want to be fair and they don’t want every performance issue to become a confrontation.

Those are good instincts.

But those same instincts can sometimes cause them to carry an issue for far too long.

Recently, I was working with a leader who was frustrated because another person’s standards were affecting his team. He could see the consequences clearly, but his initial thinking was essentially:

It’s not my department. I’m not their boss. It’s probably not my place.

So we challenged that.

Not by asking him to suddenly become more assertive or “confident”.

We looked at what was actually happening.

The behaviour was affecting his team. Different standards were being accepted and his people could see it. But by saying nothing, he was still making a leadership decision.

That changed the perspective.

Instead of:

“It’s not my place to say something?”

it became:

“What is my responsibility in this moment?”

That is a very different place to lead from.

Confidence often comes afterwards

We tend to think confidence should come before action.

Once I feel confident, I’ll speak up, or once I know exactly what to say, I’ll have the conversation.

The problem is that leadership rarely gives us that certainty.

There will always be conversations where you don’t know exactly how the other person will respond. There will be decisions where you don’t have every piece of information. There will be moments where you wonder whether you’ve got it right.

Waiting for all of that discomfort to disappear can become another form of avoidance.

You have the conversation. You discover you can handle the response. You learn something. You adjust. And the next conversation becomes slightly easier.

That’s how self-trust develops.

Not through getting every moment right, but through learning that you can step into the moment and deal with what happens next.

Before you tell yourself you need more confidence

Think about one conversation, decision or action you’ve been putting off.

Don’t solve it yet.

Just ask yourself:

What am I actually waiting for?

• Am I waiting to feel more confident?
• Am I unclear about what I expect?
• Am I worried about their reaction?
• Am I protecting the relationship?
• Am I hoping the problem will resolve itself?

Then go one step further:

What is my responsibility in this moment?

You may discover that you don’t need another week to think about it.

You might just need enough clarity to take the next step.

Own one moment