Why good leadership intentions don’t always create the impact we expect
Have you ever walked away from a conversation thinking:
I thought I was pretty clear.
You explained what needed to happen, you gave them the information. If you’re really good, you might even have checked that they understood.
Yet somehow, what came back wasn’t what you expected.
Or perhaps the issue isn’t the work itself.
There’s someone you find harder to communicate with.
Do you find they need more detail than you think is necessary? They ask questions when you want them to get on with it. Or they don’t seem to respond to something that would motivate you.
It can be frustrating, especially when, from your perspective, you’re simply trying to help them succeed.
But there’s a useful question hiding in that frustration:
What if they simply don’t see it the way you do?
We naturally lead from our own perspective
All of us have preferences for how we like to work.
Some people want a clear goal and the freedom to get on with it.
Others want to understand the reasoning first.
Some want to talk an idea through.
Others would rather go away, think about it and come back with an answer.
None of that is particularly surprising.
What is surprising is how easily we forget it when we’re leading someone else.
Without realising it, we can start communicating with people in the way we would want to be communicated with.
We give them the amount of detail we’d want.
We offer the type of support we’d appreciate.
We expect them to respond to the things that would motivate us.
Then, when it doesn’t land, we can assume the problem sits entirely with them.
A conversation from the coaching room
A common version of this shows up when a leader tells me:
“I’ve told them what I need. I don’t know how much clearer I can be.”
So rather than immediately working on what they should say next, we look at the conversation they’ve already had.
- What did you actually ask for?
- What did the other person hear?
- What did you expect them to do next?
- How do you know they understood that?
Quite often, there’s a gap.
The leader may have been perfectly clear from their own perspective.
But leadership isn’t only about what we intended to communicate. It also involves paying attention to what actually landed.
That doesn’t mean taking responsibility for everybody else’s reaction. Nor does it mean endlessly changing your expectations to keep people happy.
It means recognising something fairly simple:
You lead from your intentions.
Other people experience your behaviour.
That gap is worth paying attention to.
Different doesn’t necessarily mean difficult
Sometimes we label a relationship “difficult” when what we really mean is:
They don’t respond the way I do.
A person who asks lots of questions might not be resisting you. They may be trying to understand enough to act confidently.
Someone who wants time to think might not lack urgency. They may make better decisions after processing the information.
Someone who gets straight to the point might not be dismissive. They may simply value speed and clarity.
Of course, behaviour still matters. Expectations still matter. Accountability still matters.
Understanding someone doesn’t mean excusing poor performance.
But understanding can change how you approach the conversation that needs to happen.
And sometimes that is enough to get a very different result.
Adapt the approach, not necessarily the expectation
This distinction matters.
Relational leadership builds alignment, but it can often be mistaken for becoming softer, lowering the standard or trying to keep everyone happy.
That’s not what I’m suggesting.
The expectation might remain exactly the same.
The deadline is still Friday, the standard still needs to be met.
The behaviour still needs to change.
What you can change is how you help the other person understand what’s required and why it matters.
- You might need to provide more context.
- You might need to be more direct.
- You might need to ask rather than tell.
Or you might simply need to stop and check:
“What have you heard me asking for?”
That small question can reveal an extraordinary amount.
Clarity isn’t only what you say
It’s tempting to measure communication by what left our mouth.
I told them, I explained it and I sent the email.
But if the purpose of communication is shared understanding, that’s only half the equation.
Clear to you doesn’t automatically mean clear to them.
The real test is what happens next.
- Can they explain the expectation?
- Do they understand why it matters?
- Do they know what they own?
- And if they don’t, what might you need to do differently?
You’re not responsible for doing the work for them, but you are responsible for how you lead the conversation.
Own one moment
Think of one person you’re finding harder to lead at the moment.
Not your whole team.
Just one person.
Think about a recent conversation where you didn’t get the response you expected.
Then ask yourself:
What am I assuming matters to them?
What might they need from me that is different from what I would need?
And perhaps the most useful question:
What could I change in my approach without changing the expectation?
You don’t need to become someone else, andyYou don’t need to get every conversation exactly right.
You just need enough awareness to notice when your usual approach isn’t working and enough leadership flexibility to try something different.
The moment changes when another person enters it
Own The Moment isn’t only about finding the confidence to act.
It’s about noticing what’s happening — in you, in the situation and between you and another person — so you can make a more deliberate choice about what happens next.
Because sometimes the shift isn’t what you need to say.
It’s how you need to say it.